Week 35: Craziness!

Before getting started on my weekly update, I just have to share the rocky morning I’ve had so far. You’ll get a good chuckle at my expense, and that’s ok!  

 This all occurred this morning between 6:38 and 8:15… for real.

Strike 1, Late start: John and I woke up a little late – like 6:38 am late. That’s over an hour later than we should have gotten up, especially since John has to be at work by 7:30 and I needed to be in Paoli by 8:15.  Being only 15 minutes from work, John had no trouble getting to school on time. However, for me this was nearly impossible.  Rush hour in the suburbs of Philadelphia is a nightmare, regardless of where you live within the Philadelphia, Bucks, Montgomery, Chester and Delaware County area.

Strike 2, Unable to dress for WDSD: I was in such a hurry, I had no time to plan my WDSD blue and yellow outfit and I left in a rush with dirty hair, a hot pink top and black skirt. Totally not how I planned my day.

Strike 3, Pedestrian: Let’s set the scene. I’m at the bottom of the street in Royersford and see a kid begin to walk across the street. Fine, I clearly stop. But the little *bleep* walks slower than me with a full bladder! He’s fiddling with his earbuds, not even noticing a car is waiting for him to cross. So, I do what I do with anyone who is ignorant and inconsiderate – I lay on the horn, scream at him to pay attention and move! Yes, a little bit of my New York heritage came out at that moment.

Strike 4, School busses: I was behind school busses on several occasions which isn’t so bad because the busses typically pull off into a side street eventually. However, in Phoenixville I was seriously cut off! Like, not just cut off where there’s plenty of time to slow down. I mean, cut off where I could have been pushed off the road or crushed. Leave it to bus drivers in this area to cut out in the middle of rush hour traffic and not get hit by other vehicles or pulled over by a cop.  Oh, wait a minute, how about this morning! Or, how about the crash that killed the little girl, who was a triplet, a month ago!

Again, I lay on the horn and have a mini flip-out session. {Are you worried yet that I am a teacher? I swear that I am typically a sane human being, but when you combine hormones, stupidity, dangerous situations and traffic, I lose it.}

Strike 5: A trip that would take 40 minutes and 35 miles away via highly traveled 422 to 202 (without traffic) took 75 minutes by way of moderately traveled back roads. Take into consideration parking and navigating the labyrinth formally known as Paoli Hospital, I got there just in time. Pfew!  Needless to say, I already sent 3 threatening texts to John regarding what I was going to do to the women who rescheduled me at 8:15 in the morning. Thank God my husband is taking this new “irie” approach to life and did his best to make me happy, smiley face emoticons and all!  He’s a sweet guy!

Strike 6:  Still somewhat annoyed from the hellish drive, I slowly work my ways towards the hospital from the parking garage.  Just as I was exiting the parking garage, a car stops to let me cross.  This is where I get pissed. I walk at a snail’s pace, especially since I have to pee. I am 20 feet from the road, which will take me at least 45 seconds to cross fully. I am waving the kind driver to keep moving, but the J.A. is on her cell phone not paying attention. This is where I get made and scream, “Just go! J.C.!” {If you know me, you know that I really don’t swear and I use filler words like “Jiminy Crickets”. However, I was at my wit’s end.} I was angry because although she “kindly” allowed me to cross, I felt like I had to bust a move to get over there because you know that she really didn’t want to stop. I was also pissed because she was on her phone and did not see me wave her past. Argh!

The best part was when the chick coming towards me chuckled and said that, “I made her day” with my little tiraid.  L.O.L. You know, that actually helped me to find some humor in the day.

In any event, I need to shower, put on some yellow and blue and make it an amazing day!

Now, let’s get to the good, happy-go-lucky-but-still-laugh-at-my-expense update!

How far along? 35 weeks!

How big is Wes? According to babycenter.com, Wes is a “honey dew” melon. Again, he’s a bit smaller, so let’s call him a “cantaloupe”, haha! In reality, he’s a bit over 5lbs and the doctor said that he is looking well and on track.

Health of Wes? NST’s are getting shorter and shorter because momma now knows that sparky needs to be riled up otherwise he’s a sleepy baby.  Dr. K says that he is looking great and she talked about early delivery dates with me so that all of his specialists can be there.  She’s thinking a week early, but she will know better next week once I start “internals” to see if I am dialating. Yum-O!

Health of Momma? BP 110/70 and my weight has drastically increased in one week. D’ah!  My fingers are so fat that I cannot wear my wedding rings, but at least there is a lovely dent on my ring finger to show that “I’m taken”. Yes gentleman, you cannot woo this larger-than-life preggo, so don’t even try! {The boys cannot resist my kankles!}

My hormones are out of whack. Some days I am really happy; other days I’m so sad. Part of it has to do with the unknowns associated with Down syndrome and not knowing if he will indeed need surgery for his potential poop issues as soon as he’s born.  I love my son so much that I worry myself sick. I know that I would worry even if this was a typical pregnancy, but honestly my fears are heightened due to the unknown. I know that once he is here my anxiety will diminish and I will be able to chill out, but don’t count on that until he’s here.

Weight gain? Wow, last week I was what, 182lbs.? This week, I’m 189lbs.!  Holy cow, please be water weight! Dr. K assured me that their scale is wrong, but I’m not going to lie, I’ve seen my home scale increase. I guess this is what happens when you stop work and no longer bust a move around school all day. I think I need to go for a walk IMMEDIATELY.

Maternity clothes update? My Buddha belly hangs out of the bottom of all my shirts! I live in yoga pants and anything stretch.

Stretch Marks? No stretch marks at all.

Skin? Horrible, just horrible! Along with my bacne, my vitiligo {think Michael Jackson and his light skin} is starting to show due to the increase in sun exposure.  Plus, I believe I am getting a little bit of melasma {think brown patched} next to my vitiligo and near my ear. I’m a flipping calico cat!

See, he's not even happy!

I love my son and I actually love carrying him and being pregnant. I do not love what pregnancy is doing to my body.

Sleep? Varies… I’ve been running hot at night and wake up sick to my stomach often that it’s hard to sleep at all.

Best moment this week? There are so many great moments! First of all, the weather has been amazing. This week we may actually hit near 90 degrees by Friday! What the what!? It’s March, in Pennsylvania! Another great moment was seeing my colleagues one last time before Wes arrives. This was so nice because I really do miss them. It was somewhat of a bittersweet visit since I know that I cannot work due to physical and mental limitations, but I still feel guilty for my choice. I just need to remind myself that I am doing this so Wes doesn’t come earlier than expected. Repeat Adrienne, “It’s all for Wes, it’s all for Wes, it’s all for Wes…” And of course, today is World Down Syndrome Day, so what’s not to celebrate!?

Movement? Space is very limited for Wes at this point, so the majority of movement is felt when he has hiccups, when I move into a position he doesn’t like, or when I eat something hot or cold.  I can rile him up, but I’d rather not. He makes me pay for it severely, LOL!

Food cravings? Anything that’s edible. I don’t want to talk about food right now – we’re not friends, especially since I am gaining so quickly now!

Labor signs?  I think my body is starting to prepare for Wes. I am getting Braxton Hicks more frequently, but still sporadic enough to not call it in. There’s some pulling going on down south and I feel nauseous more often, which I would associate with some dilation.  Internals start next week, so we’ll have a better idea of where I am at by that point.

Belly button in or out? It’s still in and I doubt that it will pop out by this point, but ya never know!?

What I miss? Being 150lbs. Never thought I’d wish for that. I can’t believe that I was 136lbs. in 2009… so sadly missed! P90X anyone?

What I am looking forward to? I look forward to getting my pre baby pedicure with my neighbor whose also pregnant. I am going for a baby blue color in celebration of Wes. I’m sure by May my toenails will look really bad and I will regret going with that color.  I am also seeing the Hunger Games this weekend. Still debating whether I will dress for the occasion as a Morphling, Rue, or pregnant Katniss. I guess we’ll see!

Weekly wisdom? Don’t make appointments for first thing in the morning.

Milestones? 4, yes 4 weeks until Wes arrives!

Maternity Leave: Day 5 {Finding balance}

These last 5 days have been full of ups and downs in so many ways. I’m continually in the process of finding balance with my need to “go, go, go” and forcing myself to relax because there is only so much I can handle and frankly, there is only so much time I will be able to relax before Wes arrives. It’s still hard to come to terms with my early leave and I struggle daily to make those thoughts of guilt go away.

On Saturday, I was faced with that guilt once again in just side conversation among other women who are currently pregnant, due at the same time as me, and have toddlers at home. {Great, let’s continue to kick a sister while she’s down.}  I know that the guilt is all in my mind, but there is part of me that can’t help but believe that they see a weakness in me for my decision. Maybe it’s my own mind steering that way, but if you’ve been pregnant before, you’ve heard women gloat on how well they are able to balance work and pregnancy. This to me is a load of crap and I’m calling you out on it. I may be speaking to you, someone you know, or someone you’ve overheard talk about how easy it is. It’s not easy. Stop pretending that it is.

^^Load of crap^^

I am just so frustrated for comparing myself with other women and feeling guilty because I am apparently not as strong as them. This is also crap because I always work myself crazy for others and disregard my needs. I’m done with that, but don’t get me wrong – it’s a struggle to accept those feelings.

Other women just frustrate me so much right now by stating proudly how they worked up until a few hours before their first baby was born. What kind of a sick society are we living in where women need to be super homemakers and super employees? This is not balance. There is no way by week 32 you are working to your fullest potential, it’s impossible. Just be honest with yourself and others; it’s hard. I feel like one of the few women who will admit that it’s just not easy.

Though I know there will be those people who will think I am weak, I just don’t care. I struggle not showing my feelings to others, so if being brutally honest is weak, then so be it.

Maybe other women show this façade for the sheer fact that they can’t leave work early. I can entirely understand that financially it’s hard to live on one income if you’re not used to it.  Or, that to keep their position they have no other choice. I get it, I absolutely do. But it’s okay to acknowledge that it wasn’t an easy decision, if a decision at all.

Honestly, if it were the case that I had a contracted position as a teacher, I probably would have forced myself to work up until the bitter end. I guarantee that I would have cried daily and did the best that I could, but there would be little benefit for me, my students, or my baby if I’m not at my fullest potential.

As I mentioned before, my job has been very supportive of my decision to leave earlier than expected. I am beyond appreciative for that and I know that work places have come a long way when it comes to encouraging work/life balance. I just think that the mindset among women – including myself – should change from seeing an individual’s limitations as a weakness to understanding that it is actually a strength.

I know that I will need to change my perception as well, because I know that I am not weak. However, I allow my perception of what others think of my decision intrude on this wonderful time I have to be prepared for Wes.

In other news:

39 days until baby Wes! I can’t wait to see my little pooper!

I have been able to utilize my 30% of energy each day to prepare for Wes and do nice things for myself. On Saturday I was able to go to the Itty Bitty Bee Consignment sale in Kimberton and get much needed things on the cheap and then had dinner at Maggiano’s with my family for my mom’s birthday. Yesterday, I went couponing in the morning with a neighbor to get much needed supplies {AKA dooms day prepping… I kid}, go for a walk with the hubby and enjoy a Rita’s ice.

The other 70% of my time is devoted to sitting on my yoga ball to stretch my horribly sore hips and back, sleeping, writing, light cleaning and delegating more heavy lifting chores for John to do.

I’m still avoiding handwriting thank yous, though they are all typed and edited. My handwriting is horrible. Looks like I know what I will be doing today.

Maternity Leave: Day 2 {Owie!}

Well, my decision to leave work early was a good choice. I’m hurting… not about-to-give-birth pain, but a dull, achy, pulling, semi-immobile pain.

This morning I felt okay, so I was able to break down boxes from the shower gifts, get out the garbage {not heavy, promise! The can has wheels and I dragged the boxes!}, and cut back my decorative grasses for new growth in the front yard. Come on, do you really think John would cut back these grasses on his own accord, let alone know what to do? Well, yes, but let me rephrase. Would he do it to my specifications? Not without a lot of coaching, so I took matters into my own hands. {love you!}

Ok, that wasn’t so bad. Then, since I had absolutely no food in the house, I took a trip to Giant. Well, this is where it started to get a little uncomfortable. By the time I got home and attempted to get the laundry pile under control, I was in full-fledged {hip} pain. I would say that I got about 80% of laundry done before I crashed – for 2 hours. Oh, and don’t let me forget chasing my cat to wipe his ass because he was having what I lovingly refer to as “shit spray”. So, after cleaning his butt, dealing with him hissing and biting, and cleaning the “shit spray” off the carpet, I then crashed {while gritting my teeth because he decided to like his butt incessantly on my bed}.

Maybe I should have kept moving and not take a nap because now I’m walking like I was run over by a Mack truck {almost a true story yesterday}.

Darn you Relaxin! {shaking fists at my hips}

Darn you Rudy! {launching the cat off the bed}

I’ve always had bad hips, but these hormones are totally making them worse than usual. I have plans tonight to go to a school event with John and dinner with work friends. I’m not sure how I will feel, but I’m hoping if I move around I will feel a little better.

Little guy hasn’t been moving much at all today, so I’m wondering what’s going on there. Usually he is really active, especially when I have the computer on my belly. Well, nothing is going on right now. Is he wedge into my hips ready and raring to go? Is he sleepy? Is he okay? {Ugh, I hate the worry you feel as a mom, let alone a soon-to-be mom. This feeling started from day one, and it will never go away.}

Ok, taking a sugar break – let’s see how long it takes him to respond.

Time now: 4:43 PM

My poison: green grapes & belly jiggles

Response:

Pfew! 1 kick confirmed at 4:46 PM

Rolls at 4:51 PM

“Ok, owe kiddo I get the point, you’re okay!” at 4:52 PM

Welcome to my world of spazziness people. Sit back, relax and enjoy the insanity which is my {hormonal} life on maternity leave. 42 more days until Wes!

Maternity Leave: Day 1 {Bored!}

Oh my LORD, I’m already bored! I can just hear my mother saying, “I told you so!” Well, I know, but remember what I told you about white carpeting and walking 5 miles AFTER surgery. Nothing but mother-daughter love!

In any event, yes I am very bored. Actually, I would love to relax but my boredom is formed from my desire to “earn my keep”, unyielding need to nest and a strong avoidance of feeling “bummie”. Let me explain.

Regarding my need to “earn my keep”, it stems from many issues which I am struggling to let go of. It’s nothing major, but enough that I always feel like I’m not good enough, I don’t work hard enough, or do my best. I think it’s a mixture of my desire to be independent, but my inability to live independently. Since graduating from college in 2006, I have struggled to take care of myself and I have relied on others to help me financially. I hate that; hate it, hate it, HATE IT! However, I made the decision to go back to school to become a teacher, and ever since 2009 I have been searching for a teaching job. When I do have a higher paying teaching related job, I tend to dislike it immensely, like when I was a TSS over the summer. It was terrible – and now I know how to never treat Wes’s specialists from that experience. My most favorite jobs were probably the lowest paying jobs on my resume, but could eventually lead to a job. Though, it really hasn’t as of yet.  Someone just had to get herself pregnant and was unable to follow through on her dream at the moment, but that’s a whole other story. I’m happier with this decision, but remember – girlfriend has issues.

As a result of my issue with not feeling good enough, I tend to work myself to the point that I become overwhelmed. Well, yesterday I accepted the fact that I needed to just take time for myself, regardless of if I feel like I deserve it or not. I know that I do, though hearing all these stories about other moms working up until they deliver doesn’t make me feel great about my decision. I am disgusted by that need to compare my situation with others. D’ah! I would love to say that I can get over it, but I doubt that will happen anytime soon.

In any event, my need to “earn my keep” resulted in a rather impulsive and creative project in Wes’s room this morning. I’ve been dying to cover his bare walls with something, so here ya go!

Inspiration: Eric Carle: The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Step 1: Search Pinterest (of course!) and identify target.

Ah Ha! That's what I'll do!

Step 2: Figure out how I can do this project for free or on the cheap. Eureka! After my shower, I just knew. Why are the best ideas made while bathing?

Coffee filters, crayons, markers and water - for hydration of course!

Step 3:  Haphazardly draw lines with marker all over a filter, using something to cover the table, of course.

Looks ugly at first. Just wait!

Step 3.5: Shade in with crayon if you want a more bold look. I figured this out on my second try.

Crayons increase color saturation. Yes, throwing around artsy terms that I have no right to do.

See? Better!

Step 4: Cut various triangles and rectangles.

Lookin' purdy!

Step 5: Choose and print out your favorite font. The “W” was done at size 500 since it did not fit at 600 on the paper. I solved this by elongating the “W” during the cutting process. The “E” and “S” were printed at 600. Don’t ask about the font because I have no idea!

Well, hello!

Step 6: Glue pieces to white printer paper in a random way.

Step 7: Glue letter to the back of the colorful paper. NOTE: Don’t be a dope like me and just glue the letter to the back. Trace the letter and turn it over, otherwise your letters will be backwards! Yes, I did this and no, I did not fix my mistake. This is a combination of “artistic license”, frustration and pure laziness.

The black side should actually be on the inside that's glued... I am a dope!

Step 8: Paste, cut, repeat

Remember, I elongated the "W"... you would just cute around the lines otherwise.

Step 9: Don’t be a dope like me and have a backwards letter. Just be aware!

Step 10: Either frame your letters or paste them to a thick Styrofoam board. Framing is a clean looking and easy way to finish up this look, but even with a sale at AC Moore, you will spend about $10+, even with a coupon, depending on how many letters you do. I took the “harder route” and bought the board. It cost $1.90 after coupon, but was a pain in the rear to cut. You will need to cut this on tile, not on any other surface. I used a crappy razor blade and scissors – rounded edges are impossible to do with a razor blade. This is the most labor intensive part of the process.

If you go the “hard route”:

Step 11: Trace letters on board – again, make sure you do it the correct direction!

Step 12: Cut, paste, repeat

Finished product!

Not so bad, right? I would have much preferred to do this project using frames, but the “W” was larger than an 8X10 frame, which would have cost much more than I desired to pay.

Here’s my little boy’s room so far! I feel so bad, it looks like a hodge podge of stuff.  I am somewhat concerned that it’s a bit feminine, but oh well. He’s a baby!

Week 34: I’ve reached my limit

How far along? 34 weeks…

How big is Wes? No idea? I entirely forgot to ask. All I know is that last week he was of average weight {51st percentile}, but now he is in the 31st percentile.

Health of Wes? My boy is doing pretty well. This NST was much more successful than the last one, and this had a little to do with me. To get him active, I ate probably half of a bag of Craisins and drank an entire bottle of water before going in for my appointment. My NST went from over an hour to just a half hour this time. Pfew! The doctor said that he was sleepy in the beginning of the test, but then he became more active the second half. I would contribute that to sugar, cold water, and momma stirring him up by elevating my legs.

Health of Momma? BP 100/70, weight is on track – even better than last week. Emotionally, I’m a wreck. I just can’t take these hormonal swings anymore. Physically, my energy comes in spurts. When I wake up and get ready for work, I’m okay. By the time I arrive at work I can barely walk – I’m exhausted and uncomfortable. An hour later, I gain a spurt of energy for about 3-4 hours. Of course being me, I take that energy and run with it. I hate being immobile, so I work my behind off as long as I can. By the end of the day, I’m absolutely spent – physically and mentally. By the time I get home, I’m on the couch sleeping. When I wake up 2 hours later, I can’t move. It’s a vicious cycle.

Because of my emotional, physical, and metal limitations, I have decided to take my maternity leave 2 weeks early. I feel like such a wimp, but my doctor assured me that I’m not. Being from Germany, she said that women start maternity leave at 28 weeks and they are PAID. Wow, since when is the United States a third-world country? What is it about this country that we feel guilty for taking time off for ourselves? I wish that as a culture we took more pride in quality of life over work, work, work.

Weight gain? So, I went from 184 last week to 181 this week {doctor’s scale}. This means I’m probably 176 on my scale, which of course is the weight I will be going by in my mind. I can’t believe how much I’ve just plateaued over the past month. I’m just waiting for the fecal matter to hit the fan.

Maternity clothes update? Since I will be home from now on, I no longer feel the need to worry about well fitting clothing. Well, I say this now; this is only the beginning of my maternity leave, AKA the first day!

Stretch Marks? No stretch marks at all.

Skin? Back still looks terrible, but I’m starting to just deal with it.

Sleep? I can’t really sleep through the night anymore. It’s tough because I’m exhausted. Like seriously exhausted, but my body just won’t relax. The culprit could potentially be subconscious stress. I really have nothing to stress about, but I do feel stressed. I blame it on the pregnancy hormones.

Best moment this week? This great 65-75 degree weather and sunshine has been a big help with not sending me too far over the edge.

Movement? He’s a mover and a shaker. Little man dropped today, so now my hips are more sore and my poor ribs are getting a beating.

Food cravings? Anything cold and dairy… Rita’s {sugar free/ fat free} gilati, Wawa cookies and cream milkshakes,& strawberry and banana smoothies, Dairy Queen Oreo Blizzards, and bagels with cream cheese… tons of cream cheese!  Ooh, and cereal.  Got to have my milk products!

Labor signs? Occasional pangs, but it’s normal at this stage. There’s nothing rhythmic or concerning.

Belly button in or out? Belly button is A-Ok.

What I miss? My sanity. My motivation. My energy. My ability to sleep.

What I am looking forward to? Dinner at Maggiano’s to celebrate my mom’s birthday on Saturday.

Weekly wisdom? Feeling okay to say, “I’m done.” That was my quote of the day because it’s me just being plain honest. I really can’t handle work anymore, and the work load is very little. It’s hard to not feel guilty, but it is what it is.

Milestones? 6 weeks until my boy is here.