Nothing like hearing from your school principal and colleague that the IDSC for Life WDSD 2012 video was sent to them by another parent within the district. I am so thrilled that the word is getting out and to date, the video was viewed over 48,000 times. Keep spreading the message of appreciation, acceptance and love!
Oh, and don’t forget to see my message at the 3 minute mark! You can even see a “sneak peak” of Wes – well, sort of!
38 days until my little love is here!
These last 5 days have been full of ups and downs in so many ways. I’m continually in the process of finding balance with my need to “go, go, go” and forcing myself to relax because there is only so much I can handle and frankly, there is only so much time I will be able to relax before Wes arrives. It’s still hard to come to terms with my early leave and I struggle daily to make those thoughts of guilt go away.
On Saturday, I was faced with that guilt once again in just side conversation among other women who are currently pregnant, due at the same time as me, and have toddlers at home. {Great, let’s continue to kick a sister while she’s down.} I know that the guilt is all in my mind, but there is part of me that can’t help but believe that they see a weakness in me for my decision. Maybe it’s my own mind steering that way, but if you’ve been pregnant before, you’ve heard women gloat on how well they are able to balance work and pregnancy. This to me is a load of crap and I’m calling you out on it. I may be speaking to you, someone you know, or someone you’ve overheard talk about how easy it is. It’s not easy. Stop pretending that it is.
^^Load of crap^^
I am just so frustrated for comparing myself with other women and feeling guilty because I am apparently not as strong as them. This is also crap because I always work myself crazy for others and disregard my needs. I’m done with that, but don’t get me wrong – it’s a struggle to accept those feelings.
Other women just frustrate me so much right now by stating proudly how they worked up until a few hours before their first baby was born. What kind of a sick society are we living in where women need to be super homemakers and super employees? This is not balance. There is no way by week 32 you are working to your fullest potential, it’s impossible. Just be honest with yourself and others; it’s hard. I feel like one of the few women who will admit that it’s just not easy.
Though I know there will be those people who will think I am weak, I just don’t care. I struggle not showing my feelings to others, so if being brutally honest is weak, then so be it.
Maybe other women show this façade for the sheer fact that they can’t leave work early. I can entirely understand that financially it’s hard to live on one income if you’re not used to it. Or, that to keep their position they have no other choice. I get it, I absolutely do. But it’s okay to acknowledge that it wasn’t an easy decision, if a decision at all.
Honestly, if it were the case that I had a contracted position as a teacher, I probably would have forced myself to work up until the bitter end. I guarantee that I would have cried daily and did the best that I could, but there would be little benefit for me, my students, or my baby if I’m not at my fullest potential.
As I mentioned before, my job has been very supportive of my decision to leave earlier than expected. I am beyond appreciative for that and I know that work places have come a long way when it comes to encouraging work/life balance. I just think that the mindset among women – including myself – should change from seeing an individual’s limitations as a weakness to understanding that it is actually a strength.
I know that I will need to change my perception as well, because I know that I am not weak. However, I allow my perception of what others think of my decision intrude on this wonderful time I have to be prepared for Wes.
In other news:
39 days until baby Wes! I can’t wait to see my little pooper!
I have been able to utilize my 30% of energy each day to prepare for Wes and do nice things for myself. On Saturday I was able to go to the Itty Bitty Bee Consignment sale in Kimberton and get much needed things on the cheap and then had dinner at Maggiano’s with my family for my mom’s birthday. Yesterday, I went couponing in the morning with a neighbor to get much needed supplies {AKA dooms day prepping… I kid}, go for a walk with the hubby and enjoy a Rita’s ice.
The other 70% of my time is devoted to sitting on my yoga ball to stretch my horribly sore hips and back, sleeping, writing, light cleaning and delegating more heavy lifting chores for John to do.
I’m still avoiding handwriting thank yous, though they are all typed and edited. My handwriting is horrible. Looks like I know what I will be doing today.
How far along? 34 weeks…
How big is Wes? No idea? I entirely forgot to ask. All I know is that last week he was of average weight {51st percentile}, but now he is in the 31st percentile.
Health of Wes? My boy is doing pretty well. This NST was much more successful than the last one, and this had a little to do with me. To get him active, I ate probably half of a bag of Craisins and drank an entire bottle of water before going in for my appointment. My NST went from over an hour to just a half hour this time. Pfew! The doctor said that he was sleepy in the beginning of the test, but then he became more active the second half. I would contribute that to sugar, cold water, and momma stirring him up by elevating my legs.
Health of Momma? BP 100/70, weight is on track – even better than last week. Emotionally, I’m a wreck. I just can’t take these hormonal swings anymore. Physically, my energy comes in spurts. When I wake up and get ready for work, I’m okay. By the time I arrive at work I can barely walk – I’m exhausted and uncomfortable. An hour later, I gain a spurt of energy for about 3-4 hours. Of course being me, I take that energy and run with it. I hate being immobile, so I work my behind off as long as I can. By the end of the day, I’m absolutely spent – physically and mentally. By the time I get home, I’m on the couch sleeping. When I wake up 2 hours later, I can’t move. It’s a vicious cycle.
Because of my emotional, physical, and metal limitations, I have decided to take my maternity leave 2 weeks early. I feel like such a wimp, but my doctor assured me that I’m not. Being from Germany, she said that women start maternity leave at 28 weeks and they are PAID. Wow, since when is the United States a third-world country? What is it about this country that we feel guilty for taking time off for ourselves? I wish that as a culture we took more pride in quality of life over work, work, work.
Weight gain? So, I went from 184 last week to 181 this week {doctor’s scale}. This means I’m probably 176 on my scale, which of course is the weight I will be going by in my mind. I can’t believe how much I’ve just plateaued over the past month. I’m just waiting for the fecal matter to hit the fan.
Maternity clothes update? Since I will be home from now on, I no longer feel the need to worry about well fitting clothing. Well, I say this now; this is only the beginning of my maternity leave, AKA the first day!
Stretch Marks? No stretch marks at all.
Skin? Back still looks terrible, but I’m starting to just deal with it.
Sleep? I can’t really sleep through the night anymore. It’s tough because I’m exhausted. Like seriously exhausted, but my body just won’t relax. The culprit could potentially be subconscious stress. I really have nothing to stress about, but I do feel stressed. I blame it on the pregnancy hormones.
Best moment this week? This great 65-75 degree weather and sunshine has been a big help with not sending me too far over the edge.
Movement? He’s a mover and a shaker. Little man dropped today, so now my hips are more sore and my poor ribs are getting a beating.
Food cravings? Anything cold and dairy… Rita’s {sugar free/ fat free} gilati, Wawa cookies and cream milkshakes,& strawberry and banana smoothies, Dairy Queen Oreo Blizzards, and bagels with cream cheese… tons of cream cheese! Ooh, and cereal. Got to have my milk products!
Labor signs? Occasional pangs, but it’s normal at this stage. There’s nothing rhythmic or concerning.
Belly button in or out? Belly button is A-Ok.
What I miss? My sanity. My motivation. My energy. My ability to sleep.
What I am looking forward to? Dinner at Maggiano’s to celebrate my mom’s birthday on Saturday.
Weekly wisdom? Feeling okay to say, “I’m done.” That was my quote of the day because it’s me just being plain honest. I really can’t handle work anymore, and the work load is very little. It’s hard to not feel guilty, but it is what it is.
Milestones? 6 weeks until my boy is here.
Since finding out about Wes’s diagnosis, a lot of blessings have come our way. The generosity of others has been immense; from my mom coming down to be with me the day after our 1:4 diagnosis bearing food and support, to the outpouring of hope and love from others within the Down syndrome community that I was fortunate to meet on Babycenter and Facebook. Family, friends, colleagues and complete strangers have all displayed such kindness, love and sincerity whether it be through giving advice or an ear when I was feeling unsure, gifts and messages of hope. To all of you, I express my sincerest gratitude.
Gratitude is something that took me a long time to understand, especially the direct connection to how it affects my life. A year ago, I was working at a different school where I can honestly say I was unhappy. But one day a teacher friend of my told me about something she did that entirely changed her outlook on life. She gave thanks for her blessings every day in a journal regardless of her mood at that moment. If a particular student was giving her a hard time that day, she would write about how thankful she was for her job and supportive thoughts for that particular child. If something bothered her at home, she would acknowledge those feelings and then write something she was grateful for, such as her kids, her husband, or something specific like a mini achievement.
At first it was hard for me to find gratitude in life and take this friend’s advice. I was an underemployed, over utilized, unappreciated middle school aid, making $60 a day {before taxes} who had already been looking for a teaching position for two years. This, on top of the failure I felt by not succeeding in a business career {my original degree} brought out the worst in me. In my opinion, life sucked at that point. Numerous fruitless interviews over the years and jobs that just did not pan out weighed on me like winter nights in Fairbanks, Alaska. What I failed to acknowledge was how blessed I really was. This acknowledgement came in the summer of 2011 after a series of events.
In March of 2011 I quit my job to follow a potential six-weeks teaching position for the end of the school year. I was very unhappy where I was, so this opportunity was an excuse to leave early. As usual, I counted my eggs before they hatched, and that job fell through because of events that were out of anyone’s control. No problem, a little set back was normal for me and by this time I was used to it. Shortly thereafter, I had what I considered an amazing opportunity to teach for the entire year at that same school. I really thought I was a shoe-in, partly because this was the same school where two previous job opportunities fell through and I had a good reputation and relationship with the administration and staff. Unfortunately, I did not get the position. I was shocked and distraught this time around. This was my third “rejection” from the school I loved so much. I couldn’t help but ask myself and anyone who’d deal with my complaining, “Why did this happen to me?” “I’m a good teacher, why can’t I get a job?” and “I do everything right, this is not fair!” I had all these expectations of myself and I just couldn’t deal with the rejection any more.
Earlier that year, John and I decided that we wanted to start a family as soon as the new school year arrived. We assumed that I would have a job by then and that they baby would arrive around the end of the school year. Feeling this rejection made me feel unworthy of having a child because I could not personally support him or her, regardless of John’s work status or income. {I don’t care what people say, it’s his earned money, not mine! I needed to earn my keep.} These feelings just consumed me and the fear at nearly 28 without a child just made me feel hopeless. Would I be able to have a child, let alone two or three after 30? Would I even have a job then?
Returning back to the day I found out that I did not get that job, I was given a choice; I could take the alternate position offered to me or potentially go down another career path out of sheer frustration. I wasn’t sure immediately, but then someone told me exactly what I needed to hear but did not know it at the time.
“You can still be a mom. Don’t let not having your career stand in your way of what you really want to do.”
Wow.
All this time I was waiting for permission to do what I really wanted to do and what I knew would make me happy. I just wanted someone to tell me that it was alright and that just because I did not live up to my expectations didn’t mean that I had to deny myself my happiness.
This is where my story began; this is where gratitude took over feelings of doubt, negativity and despair. I started small, giving thanks in the best way possible. Words such as, “I am grateful for this job even though is it not what I want.” slowly evolved to, “I had an amazing day, I just made a kid laugh when she was crying.”, or “Yeah! The kids really connected to what I was teaching them today!” My focus shifted to what the world could do for me to what I can do for the world.
Gratitude.
Though I may not journal what I am grateful for, I acknowledge it now, one way or another. We can show gratitude for others, or simple little things that we experience throughout the day. It’s easy to get caught up in the chaos of life that we don’t take time to reflect upon the amazing gifts that this world has to offer.
Right now I am writing at my dining room table with the back door open. Light is flooding through the dirty storm door and I’m thankful for the beauty of the pond in my back yard that is reflecting what is left of today’s sunlight. The birds are fluttering outside on the deck, entertaining my little furballs and making them chirp in delight. And, I have a little boy inside of me who is kicking so hard that I may pee my pants. Those little things are moments in time to be grateful for.
Sure, a little deep… oh well, so I will run with it! In the words of a yoga instructor: Namaste.
I had the red one. Bleh!
I was fortunate enough to have today off due to some “can’t work over 45 days in a row” rule at my school district. However, it was definitely not a relaxing day by any means, starting off with a trip to LabCorp at 7:30 for my glucose tolerance test. Unfortunately by the time I got there and was ready for my test I forgot my paperwork, and I had to turn around, and fight traffic and school busses to get home. On my way home I may or may not have obnoxiously honked my horn at some random contractor who may have been on his cell phone and may have cut me off… I may have also called this individuals company and may or may not have yelled on the answering machine diming his rear end out. But I have a horrible memory, so this may not have happened. One the way back, I noticed I had zero, zilch, nada gas. Ugh, what else!? So, after my quick pit stop I finally returned to LabCorp about 40 minutes later. Needless to say, I chugged the sickeningly sweet pseudo-Gatorade in under 10 seconds and receive quite the praise from the two other mommas in the room. It tasted like drinking a large Jolly Rancher vodka shot, sans vodka with about 50 added packets of sugar. Clearly I wanted to get out of this place as soon as possible. Wes hated that stuff by the way; he was freaking out and I thought I was going to either puke or pass out from all of that sugar. Maybe this is a good sign that I don’t ingest enough sugar in my diet to have gestational diabetes? God, I hope so! After an hour of waiting on only 2 eggs and a handful of peanuts for energy, I finally gave blood and got my butt out of there and scarfed an energy bar, followed by a huge mustard and cheese sandwich, grapes, half sleeve of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies after my epic fail trip to Wal-Mart {getting there}, and God knows what else since I don’t remember what I eat anymore. Maybe I should take back that comment about not ingesting much sugar in my diet.
Anyway, while at LabCorp I was being a good multi-tasker and preparing my coupons for my freeponing trip {i.e. using coupons to get things
How long will it take to train them to flush?
for free} to Wal-Mart. Well, this turned out to be an epic FAIL. I had all my coupons ready for free Vaseline hand cream, Aquafresh toothpaste {trial size, of course}, Breathe Right Strips, Bic Pens, and Scotch Brite sponges. Were these items anywhere to be found? NO! This is my second frustrating moment of the day; I spent an hour preparing my shopping trip {not including my time spent at 6 this morning getting my list typed out} and I was foiled by those annoying EXTREME COUPONERS! Okay, I love to get a bargain, but by no means do I go to the extent of stealing coupons and emptying shelves. It’s uncalled for. Yes, I do have quite the stock pile, but this is my way of providing when I make very little money at the job I do right now. It is fun as heck to get a bargain, and I encourage others to be a Krazy Coupon Lady along with me. {Next up, training the cats to use the toilet} Then you have more money to do things that you need/ want to like home improvements, go on trips, go out to dinner or pay for bills.
So, the highlight of the day happened when I went to Giant after my extremely disappointing trip to Wally World. There I purchased 29 items {all that I will actually use!} for the low, low price of $36.99. I saved $50.73 using coupons that doubled and my Bonus Card. SWEET! In that order I got a little Krazy when I saw that there were Almay and Revlon products at 50% or greater mark down. I purchased $18 of products for less than $4! Then, I saw that Giant was offering a deal where when you spend $15 on Suave, Dove, and Vaseline products, you get $5 off instantly. I purchased 6 Suave body washes and 1 Dove deodorant for $4.25. Maybe I didn’t need these items right now, but it made me feel good when I got an approving laugh from my husband followed by an, “Alright babe!” Now that was a highlight to my day!
So, a sucky day turned out to be pretty good in the end, though I still had to return out into the wilderness to get an oil change. Luckily we had a coupon for that as well; buy 1 oil change {at $42.35} get 3 free oil changes rock! Speaking of oil change, I did read a book on Down syndrome while waiting for my car to be done. I will have a review on that later. In any event, happy Monday!
So this week I officially kick off my third trimester and enter into my 27th week of pregnancy! What better way to kick off my third trimester than a complete shift in my sleep patterns, hormones, and feelings of adequacy.
Long gone are the days when I would sleep for hours once I got home from work, and fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow at night because now I am riddled with a restless brain that will not quit. {This does not even take into account the midnight and 4 a.m. potty breaks, excessive coughing due to the dry air, and kicks at all hours when at one point they were predictably from 7-9 a.m. and 4-9 p.m.} And let’s not leave out the severe break outs I have been getting all over my back and face which further increases my anxiety and significantly affects my confidence level.
Around 23 weeks. I'm 27 weeks now. New Pictures to come!
I’m not sure what happened, but I know it all began once I returned back to work from a week’s long winter break during the holidays. Before the break I was so motivated. Everyone at work would yell at me to slow down and just put my feet up. The last thing I want to do as a pregnant woman is to look like I am a slow and an unproductive employee. When you work at a middle school, it’s necessary to always be on your game otherwise those kids will instinctively know that you are weak, and that’s the last thing I want. I love the connections I’ve made with these students, however lately I feel as though these relationships have become strained due to my exhaustion of carrying around an extra 25lbs. Me before winter break was very nice and happy; I would look students in the eye and smile saying “hello!” or “how are you doing today?”. Now it’s a little different. I find myself retreating back into my mind and walking through the halls of the school as if I just want to get from point a to point b. I feel like I’m neglecting my kids, and in return some of them are avoiding my eyes when I gather the strength to work through my exhaustion and try to mend those bonds.
I am also faced with the stress that I am still not in a contract position. At my school I am a building sub. I really love this job because I have the opportunity to teach kids from 5th – 8th grade {I love those “wonder years”!} as well as children in special education and life skills classes. However, it is not something that I can do forever, nor can I do it next year when Wes is here. Financially, it’s just not possible. I live over 20 miles away and after the cost of a decent day care and gas to get to work, I will basically break even and lose time with my son during the most important years of his development. Though there may be two special education jobs available next year, there is no guarantee that I will be in either of these positions. I have learned after three years searching for a teaching job that not to count on anything until it is in writing.
The exhaustion that I am experiencing is starting to make me feel concerned that my superiors are seeing how less productive I have been as compared to the beginning of the school year. I am sure that this is just in my head, but I see the way that colleagues look at me lately. They know that I am not the same and I can’t help but wonder if their concern is due solely to my pregnancy or because of Wes and his diagnosis, or a little bit of both. Being pregnant with a child can bring a lot of anxiety in general {especially when your belly turns into your “eyes”}, but being {knowingly} pregnant with a child with differing abilities can be stressful. I am not stressed at Wes’s differences; I find him an absolute joy and I haven’t even met the kid. I am stressed by what others are thinking when they see me have a bad day. Do they realize that I am just plum tired, or are they thinking that I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that my child has Down syndrome?
Regardless if this is the reality or just my perception, I am unable to change how others see me at this time. I am exhausted. I am experiencing feelings of inadequacy and low confidence. I feel like a hormonal teenager that thinks everyone is looking at me. If it is reality that people feel bad for me, then I just need to prove them wrong once Wes is here. Right now though, I just need to remember that I am pregnant and I have the right to feel yucky and run down. I also must keep things in perspective; if I think the lack of sleep and anxiety is bad now, it will be much stronger once he’s here! Oh the joys of impending parent-hood!
