Pregnancy is getting to me

So this week I officially kick off my third trimester and enter into my 27th week of pregnancy! What better way to kick off my third trimester than a complete shift in my sleep patterns, hormones, and feelings of adequacy.

Long gone are the days when I would sleep for hours once I got home from work, and fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow at night because now I am riddled with a restless brain that will not quit. {This does not even take into account the midnight and 4 a.m. potty breaks, excessive coughing due to the dry air, and kicks at all hours when at one point they were predictably from 7-9 a.m. and 4-9 p.m.} And let’s not leave out the severe break outs I have been getting all over my back and face which further increases my anxiety and significantly affects my confidence level.

Around 23 weeks. I'm 27 weeks now. New Pictures to come!

I’m not sure what happened, but I know it all began once I returned back to work from a week’s long winter break during the holidays. Before the break I was so motivated. Everyone at work would yell at me to slow down and just put my feet up. The last thing I want to do as a pregnant woman is to look like I am a slow and an unproductive employee. When you work at a middle school, it’s necessary to always be on your game otherwise those kids will instinctively know that you are weak, and that’s the last thing I want. I love the connections I’ve made with these students, however lately I feel as though these relationships have become strained due to my exhaustion of carrying around an extra 25lbs. Me before winter break was very nice and happy; I would look students in the eye and smile saying “hello!” or “how are you doing today?”. Now it’s a little different. I find myself retreating back into my mind and walking through the halls of the school as if I just want to get from point a to point b. I feel like I’m neglecting my kids, and in return some of them are avoiding my eyes when I gather the strength to work through my exhaustion and try to mend those bonds.

I am also faced with the stress that I am still not in a contract position. At my school I am a building sub. I really love this job because I have the opportunity to teach kids from 5th – 8th grade {I love those “wonder years”!} as well as children in special education and life skills classes. However, it is not something that I can do forever, nor can I do it next year when Wes is here. Financially, it’s just not possible. I live over 20 miles away and after the cost of a decent day care and gas to get to work, I will basically break even and lose time with my son during the most important years of his development. Though there may be two special education jobs available next year, there is no guarantee that I will be in either of these positions. I have learned after three years searching for a teaching job that not to count on anything until it is in writing.

The exhaustion that I am experiencing is starting to make me feel concerned that my superiors are seeing how less productive I have been as compared to the beginning of the school year. I am sure that this is just in my head, but I see the way that colleagues look at me lately. They know that I am not the same and I can’t help but wonder if their concern is due solely to my pregnancy or because of Wes and his diagnosis, or a little bit of both. Being pregnant with a child can bring a lot of anxiety in general {especially when your belly turns into your “eyes”}, but being {knowingly} pregnant with a child with differing abilities can be stressful. I am not stressed at Wes’s differences; I find him an absolute joy and I haven’t even met the kid. I am stressed by what others are thinking when they see me have a bad day. Do they realize that I am just plum tired, or are they thinking that I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that my child has Down syndrome?

Regardless if this is the reality or just my perception, I am unable to change how others see me at this time.  I am exhausted. I am experiencing feelings of inadequacy and low confidence. I feel like a hormonal teenager that thinks everyone is looking at me.   If it is reality that people feel bad for me, then I just need to prove them wrong once Wes is here.  Right now though, I just need to remember that I am pregnant and I have the right to feel yucky and run down. I also must keep things in perspective; if I think the lack of sleep and anxiety is bad now, it will be much stronger once he’s here! Oh the joys of impending parent-hood!

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One thought on “Pregnancy is getting to me

  1. Mom says:

    Pregancy has a tendency to effect ones emotions and physical comfort level ( putting it mildly!) You are also dealing with other concerns. No need to feel inadequate….you are an outstanding woman, filled with intelligence and passion. You will be beyond awesome as a mom… and what a wonderful man you chose to be the father! And remember…..you have a large,loving family who will be on this journey with you every step of the way.

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